half a cat

This is almost the perfect weekend — almost because the weather is doing a nice job of being crappy. I tink it has been in the 60s and overcast all weekend. The bonus to this of course is a lot of time spent testing the finer points of Quantum mechanics – specifically that of whether two materials ever actually touch. In this plane of existence I’m speaking of my ass and the sofa. The evidence is not quite conclusive, but the dents in the cushions seem to indicate that I have a significant electron cloud which is impacting the atom spacing in said cushions. That is the beautiful thing about Heisenberg’s principle. I know exactly where I am but no idea of where I’m going. Or do I Shrodinger the whole mess and only really know which atoms are my ass and which are from the sofa by observing the separation ? Wouldn’t that be a kick — if one could somehow take electron energy transfer from the sofa to become more energetic? Hrm — it seems that may already happen in reverse, given the propensity for sofas and napping. Is my sofa going to spontaneously combust some day from the absobtion of so much energy ?

Anyhooo…. Most of the weekend has been spent watching World Cup games. I’m not planning on watching all of them – Tivo only has instructions to record the England, U.S, and Spain games. I may have to alter that if any of them go tits-up before the elimination round. I have had two consecutive mornings of coffee, sofa, blanket and el World Cupo. Currently Mexico is trying to convince Iran to bring their “war faces” next time. I’m hoping to see one of my 3 teams make it far enough to get me interested in the final games. I do find myself really wishing I had HD TV at this point – but only with a HD Tivo. Soon, but must pay off other bills and purchase a house.

Speaking of said house…it is looking like time to re-evaluate the finances and determine exactly how much of my income I really want to spend on a house payment. From the initial look at the current rates of exspenditure, I won’t be able to afford a house that I really like. Boogers. I’d really really like to get a nicer house because I don’t fancy myself moving in the next 10 years again unless something really strange happens. Yes, I like my new job that much

Speaking of said job (and here starteth the rantingseth) – I’m starting to get a bit miffed at the old job, where I started to think that I wasn’t bright enough or skilled enough to do actual Lustre hacking — network, kernel, disk layer, super-complex distributed networking programming. Yes, I’m not going to design the next great filesystem, but I really am starting to think that I can make a pretty good swipe at debugging and understanding the code base. Time will tell It just pisses me off that someone or worse yet — myself — convinced me that there were limits to my skills in this area without actually exploring them.

Ok – the old elbow is starting to kill me here from some retarded furniture re-arranging last night. Just a final note to those Right Coasters – I’ll be in Philly Jun 30th, July 3rd-4th and in D.C July 1st-3rd. Be there or get sprung.

Cheers!

This weekend was balls hot. HOT. Yes, those kind of balls. Sparing the innocent, but the metaphor is waaay too fitting. So! The Portana is back “home” for a weekend and I’m left up to my own devices. Muhahahahha!

What did I do with such unfettered access to massive quantities of stank and hormonal imbalance? Err, not that much really. Too hot. See previous statement on anatomical weather patterns.

Portana and I ran around Saturday – shopping here and there with a final stop at the Brew Shop for me to drop the semi-annual mint for brewing widgets and thingys. For those that brew – Stainless steel ball valves and a counterflow wort plate chiller are SO the best money. We also got sprung for a Gewurztraminer wine kit. It is dead simple to do with the existing beer equipment and is promising all sorts of tasty goodness. I’m looking forward to many o summer nights spent passed out amidst a few wine bottles on the deck. The sun shall wake me!

Saturday evening did see the lawn mowed – well at least most of it, apparently 90 minutes is just 15 feet shy of done I’d have continued but the dogs were getting pretty pissed from all the close calls during twilight. Not to mention that the mosquitos tend to focus on the fleshy white part of ones buttocks. Note to the public – don’t mow nude. Between the sunburn and the mosquitos — you are gonna be lumpy and red. Dead Sexy.

I did manage to get a nasty headache that took me out for most of Saturday – I think it is from not getting caffeine. Stupid free coffee at work and my lack of will power.

Sunday was the day of days. I woke up earliesh, cranked up the coffee pot (see I do learn) and headed to the garage to get beer-a-brewin’ and stuff arranged and cleaned up. It was hot enough that I put up the canopy out front of the garage for the full RedNeck look. It is the details folks. De-tails. Did I mention that I was walking around shirtless in baggy shorts and messy hair? Truck and Harley in the driveway? Details.

Heh — De-tails makes me think of all sorts of funny things about animals loosing their tails in horrible accidents. Hrm, bed time looming…anywhoo… Once that was all setup and going – I tackled the mess in the corner. Lots of moving things around and it appears to be slightly more accessible and organized. I’m hoping I did a few flourecent bulb replacements (do NOT drop on the floor…) and hung up the tennis ball for Portana’s windshield marker. I’ve heard if your are handy around the house, drives them nuts. Juxtapose that with being handy at the bar and all you get is slapped. Women — just don’t make sense.

Anyways…I’m starting to ramble and it could get messy. Power through this! I finally finished up brewing and got the beer into the fridge a meer 15 minutes after knockout. That’s right folks – 5 gallons of 200F sugar water & hops to 62F in < 10 minutes. These are some heady times in which we live. Man, not ending sentences in prepositions is a real biotch. Sigh. Ok, headed off to Auds for some grilled Elk and veggies on the grill. Homemande smoothies (mit boozen) were quite the treat to finish off a decent weekend, albeit alone

I’d best be off to bed, I’ve got dragons to slay at work tomorrow and another day of trying to keep the giblets out of the blender.

Update Is it wrong that I called the french press the coffee pot ? Did I hurt it’s feelings?

I was chit the chatting with Portana last night and she mentioned that in (as of 11.27 am CST) 21 days, 8 hours and 30some minutes (adjusted for timezones of course), we will have been dating for a year. It is a bit sad to say — but I’d forgotten that we were coming up on such a day. I mean — I know when our “day” is and that we’ve been dating for a bit now, but I hadn’t given much thought to the fact that we’ve been “bonking” (no, not that bonking… it is an inside joke) for almost a year now. It was still kind of rattling around in my head this morning as to what the last year has been like and how dating her after this time is still a super fun time. Yes there is the inevitable “comfort” that comes with time and living together for 2 months now has introduced another level of routine behavior and interaction — BUT I’m still amazed at how we are still goofy as all heck and really do enjoy spending time together. Awwww shucks…..

So you ask — what has the last year meant? Well — here are the highlights that come to mind. Nothing too gushy or personal of course – must protect the guilty

• Harley rides, lots of harley rides. First date after the thunderstorm (hey, why do you think guys buy motorcycles?), to Roscoe for her birthday, a few trips to Rock Dodge, lots of little lunch trips in Billings, Bozeman, getting beer from Costco, wow ! We jsut need to ride a lot more here in MN!!

• Cooking – I’m the meal master, Portana kicks my butt with some breakfast thingys and all baking. I make a mean milk shake and rule the grill. She makes me want to eat healthier I keep trying to cook healthier for the both of us!

• Pets – some good times, some rough times. Just a little note — these are likely the only kids we will have and we are both thrilled about that! But the hair…oh! the hair!.

• Dealing with life – my getting laid off, her job interviews, moving, two new jobs, packing two houses up, living as a guest at Auds for a month, unpacking into a single house, getting used to living together – sleep schedules, bathroom sharing, eating schedules, finally getting the hosue unpacked, furniture shopping, the list goes on. I’m amazed how we’ve gotten through all of that without a huge “Nic you are an ass” fight. Damn, I guess we might be adults after all!

I’m sure there are huge events I’m leaving out here, but I think it is suffice to say that this first year has been an amazing adventure both personally and relationship wise. I can’t think of anything I’d have done significantly different – I’ve really enjoyed it and hope it continues for a long, long time. Well — I’d write more, but I’ve got dragons to slay here at work!

Oy yeah — I love you Babe!

Ok with the lists, but I’m feeling lazy and am going to amuse you with this one… Good times…good times.

1. My roommate and I once: Plotted to get a feret stoned and then roll him around in that plastic ball thingy.
2. Never in my life have I: Wanted less.
3. The one person who can drive me nuts, but then can always manage to make me smile is: Mom. She knows all the stupid buttons to push, but is a super awesome person.
4. High school was: painful, but with lots of loose women and drugs.
5. When Im nervous: I talk. A lot.
6. The last time I cried was: a long time ago — I know I have, just don’t remember details or the dates.
7. If I were to get married right now my bridesmaids/groomsmen would be: On a sailboat in the Mediteranean.
8. Would you rather run naked through a crowded place or have someone email your deepest secret too all your friends? It’s Nekkid Time. I’d probably walk for the fun of it.
9. My hair: always great. Good genes.
10. When I was 5: I broke my arm.
11. Last Christmas: Super great — too many reasons to state.
12. When I turn my head left: I see my Aunt snoozin on the sofa.
13. I should be: working out more.
14. When I look down I see: a laptop…duh.
15. The craziest recent event was: Celebrating a new job like a freakin’ rock star. 8 Manhattans do not make for a pleasant morning — for you or your babysitter.
16. If I were a character on Friends Id be: Ross and Chandler cross.
17. By this time next year: I want to own a pinball machine.
18. My favorite Aunt is: Audrey – she’s letting us mooch !
19. I have a hard time understanding: Stupid and Illogical folks. Like wiping before you poop…
20. One time at a family gathering: I was fed a whole bar of exlax and I had to take ownership of the only #2 bathroom in the entire facility. I soooo owe those cousins some payback…
21. You know I like you if: I don’t punch you.
22. If I won an award, the first person(people) Id thank: My Dog. It’s funny.
23. Take my advice: You are going to die.
24. My ideal breakfast is: nekkid time!
25. If you visit my home town: You will wonder how the hell you ended up on the other side of the Twilight Zone. Dooodoodooodooo.
26. Sometime soon I plan to visit: Philly, No Dak
27. If you spend the night at my house: You best not keep me up or wake me up.
28. Id stop my wedding if: I sobered up.
29. The world could do without: Rules, packaging, urban sprawl and stupid people.
30. Id rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: Have sex with a gorilla, close but taking the cockroach.
31. The most recent thing Ive bought myself is: New Cell phone. Freakin’ Raaazor baby.
32. The most recent thing someone else bought for me is: Dinner & booze — tanks babe!
33. My favorite blonde is: The fantatic bombastic incredible Portana!
34. My favorite brunette is: Portana!
35. My car must have a sign on it that reads: Greenpeace approved.
36. The last time I was drunk: working on a good one right now. Mmmm Port.
37. The animals I would like to see flying besides birds: Dogs, I bet that would be funny.
38. I shouldnt have been: so bad with money in college.
39. Have you ever shaved your pubic hair? No, but it was removed in other ways.
40. Last night I: Watched basketball and cooked Elk fajitas.
41. Theres this girl I know who: is scaring me at work. You are old and annoying, leave me alone.
42. I dont know: Where I’d like to live in the Twin Cities permanently.
43. A better name for me would be: nothing, names are irrelevant.
44. If I ever go back to school Ill: get my Masters.
45. How many days until my birthday?: lots, it is in December.
46. One dead celebrity I wish Id met is: Teddy Rosevelt or Abe Lincoln.
47. Ive lived at my current address since: little over 3 weeks.
48. Ive been told I look like: Conan, and you can bite me.
49. If I could have any car, it would be: Aston Martin Vanquish. Duh.
50. If I got a new cat tomorrow, I would name it: Balls. A small reminder that I have none and caved into getting a cat.

This weekend saw a trip to NoDak to help the fam celebrate my Grandpa’s 79th Birthday. This man is a testament to the idiom that “they just don’t make em like they used to”. He re-shingled his roof last summer, put a new tin roof on the barn this last year, and is now fixing up the new house “in town”. Amazing – he took Flyboy (sister’s b/f) and I to the Historical Society to show us some of the old tractors and cars they have there. We young chickens froze our feet off, he was more than fine. Apparently the heater in that model works better than the new ones.

The driving was amusing. We rented a GMC Envoy to get us all in there — 4 adults, one 7 year old, and a weekend of luggage. Now, I’m not sure what you remember of the family trips as a kid, but ours were always a hassle at best. My sister and I are both giant PITAs when it comes to car rides. I am “she is touching me/looking at me/thinking about touching me”. She is “I have to pee” every 15 minutes. Thankfully age has mellowed us a bit, but we still have the memories fof these things to help fuel the ridicule and harasssment. Mom unfortunately is now fair game for teasing too — beit that she packed too much stuff, or is getting cranky because we kids are dragging our feet or being difficult on purpose. Suffice to say, there is a lot of good natured bickering and teasing that goes along with getting all of us into one vehicle. The bonus this time was that Flyboy was joining us for the weekend. Fresh target!

It was really fun to see some of the relatives again – aunts and uncles I’ve not seen in a year or 3, cousins that used to help us all get into trouble, and various relatives of my grandparents’ cohort. I feel it necessary to take every chance I can (within reason here folks…) to hang with g-pa and g-ma, you never know what turns life is going to take. I just hope I can be as spry and good humored at 79 as they are. It is very amusing to see those two and how they still flirt with each other — be it over forgetting to put something on the table for breakfast or who was responsible for breaking something — just makes be very happy to see that.

So! The big news for this week is that I waiting for offers from companies — no interviews or calls left, just paper work or not. I’m actually a bit nervous about one offer, if I don’t get it I will end up having to really sit down and re-think my options and what I want to do with them. crosses fingers

Some days just rock. I started off today by waking up to an alarm, something I do maybe maybe 10 times a year. I am a firm believer that getting your schedule in order and allowing your body to wake up naturally is light years better than cursing like a drunken sailor at a small electronic box every morning. I prefer to cuss at them all day

Anyhoo.. woke up, shower & shave, coffee, then moved towards clothes – dress shirt & trousers with a wool dress coat. I was given a ride to the airport (coffee in tow), hit security right off as I had checked in online, then off to the gate to get some good coffee-drinking-iPod-jamming-reading-book lovins before boarding. Arrived, hit Budget for my car (this is where the day started to get really good) – I was due a compact car, but somehow scored a Ford SUV thingy with leather interior. Something about wearing a dress coat and driving a leather interior that makes a man feel good.

Ahh yes — so the real reason for the trip was an interview. It went quite well, blah blah blah. Pretty standard fare for a tech interview, lunch, etc. Back in the SUV (btw – I HATE these fugging things. They are SO the new mini-van;popular with soccer moms and neutered men. They just have bigger tires and bumpers…) Got a nice surprise while there when the sales dude from my old company walks in. Sometimes the planets align just so – it was good to see him and catch up a bit. Hit the aeropuerto for the flight back, enjoying the ability to just drop the car off and run – I love direct billing. More Ipod & book, interrupted by some people watching. Women in SLC are tall. Huh. Came home, was picked up at the ‘port by the lovely gf. What is it about sexy women driving your truck to pick you up that just well… you know. Back to the shack and chilled on the sofa with dog, girl and beer. Mmm good!

Fire, kerosene laterns, Indian food (homemade of course!) for dinner, more hound-scratching and some tivo lovins. Backrub for the gf, quick email check, now off to my leather chair and the fireplace to read some more.

Some days just rock.

Update Sampling my latest beer concoction – porter with coffee & chocolate. OMFG. Yeah, that good. It is still really young yet, but I envision me trying to dance with the dog if I drink too many more of these.

Hey there! Do you enjoy newspaper ink stained fingers? Repeatedly lifting boxes over 50 lbs? Can handle hours of tedious work all the while handling valuable objects? Have nothing better to do for 4 or 5 days this week ? Can ignore boxes and boxes of pr0n? (I, uh, got it, uh on Ebay for, yeah! on Ebay…) Wouldn’t mind slaving away your days while I sit around in tube sox and underwear, drinking coffee, and trying to scratch rythmically to CMT ? GOOD! I will patiently wait here (in said underwear and sox) for you to show up to help, and I do mean in the full sense of the “royal help”, me pack up house! If I don’t answer the door right away, please just let yourself in — I’m probably sleeping.

Soo…. yeah. I’ve actually started putting things into boxes here at Casa Del Neek* (sorry P, stealing the * for side-stories). After a trip to Target to get the pasticy storage bins and bubble wrap, I managed to get all of the good dishes wrapped up and ready to move. This includes a very nice set of dishes my Grandma gave me for my b-day-slash-thanksgiving (complete with manly pink roses and gold trim), several serving platters from the Moms, and some candlesticks & other sundry items. I did manage to get it all into one bin, so I’m pretty happy about that — it should move pretty well too do to my recent experience of moving in May 2002, Aug 2002, July 2004 and December 2004. God damnit I’d love to stay in a house for more than a year or two! I’m hoping to get the books packed up next — I’ve got a bookcase loaded with them, and a smaller one in the office that is collecting a few as well. I’m guessing 4 or 5 good sized boxes just with books…which reminds me to get smaller boxen – no sense herniating this early in the process. I will save that pleasent medical event for when I try to extract my current landlords’ fingers from my prostate….

At any rate — this whole moving thing is starting to sink in. It is very very weird to think that in a short 4 weeks, it is very likely that I will be unpacking my stuff already somewhere new and starting a new job (fingers crossed). I’ve got so much stuff, the thought of it all being packed up seems downright outrageous. If I can manage to do a little at a time, I’m sure the pounds will just melt away and soon enough all my wordly possesions (some would call them “boxes of shit”) will be ready for transport to far away and exciting lands. Imagine “Minnesota” where everyone talks with an accent ala Fargo, the mosquitos carry away small children, it snows like hell hath frozen over (and yet, no Vikings in the playoffs), and strange actor people carry about their business. Fascinating — to even think such a mythical place even exists is beyond me. One would be remiss if he didn’t recant all of the scary religious fables about Salt Lake City – land of 1432 wives (why piss off more than one woman?), liquor laws that would make Jerry Falwell pucker, moral and cultural restrictions even the Bush administration can’t fathom, and skiing out of your front door. With those two options, it is tough to make up my mind. I don’t know how, but I will manage in some fashion.

• So as for Neek…it all started in college when I picked up a Russian ice skating instructor at a country bar in Philly (yes, it was as odd as that sounds). She was H.O.T, well she was until I saw her eat mashed potatoes without her lips touching…shudder…anyways — she had and amusing way of pronoucing my first name. This resurfaced in the last jobs when I went on a rampage about something and one of my co-workers referred to me as Dr. Neek. I guess it kinda stuck then as my alter-ego — I would change my “nick” to Neek anytime I was about to exercise my wrath on something.

So, everyone is right – the waiting sucks. We are in week 3 of the great unemployment fest, and frankly I’m getting a bit annoyed. I’ve heard from 4 different companies that they are “interested in talking to me about an opportunity”, after which I send off the resume to be forwarded to HR. HR apparenlty stands for “Hole of Relinqushment” – kind of like getting put on “Ignore” on the phone. I am 99% sure that these delays are not due to any personal issue with me, rather the sheer volume of data and items that need processing in these said HoR departments…but that 1% is annoying – especially when one does not have much to do and ends up with his brain re-hashing events and scenarios ad nauseum. So, yes waiting is a real PITA.

In the meantime,I’ve uploaded a few more photots for your visual enjoyment:

• little man (Portana’s wearing his Seahawk jersey during the first playoff game. He’s a hillarious little kid — it was really interesting to see how he and the Bogart interacted. Talk about mutual fear for a while, but after the initial scare, some chasy-chasy and petting was had.

• Dr. Jacks’ No. 7 Go-Kart. What more fun can you experience than metal fabrication while drinking?

Layer One

• Name: Nic
• Birthdate: 12-21-1979
• Birthplace: Waterloo, Iowa
• Current Location: Billings, Mt.
• Eye Color: greeny-brown
• Hair Color: brown, tinge of red
• Righty or Lefty: Right
• Sun Sign: Sagicorn (last day of Sag)
• Innie or Outtie: Innie, no freak here

Layer Two

• Your heritage: German, Russian, Dutch
• The shoes you wore today: 23F outside and flp-flops
• Your hair: Still have it; farm teams are increasing their output year by year
• Your eyes: bad, glasses suck
• Your weakness: women, spending money, toys
• Your fears: snakes, seeing people eating raw dough (fuggin yuck, ok?)
• Your perfect pizza: one brought to me with a beer by female following hot monkey love
• One thing you’d like to achieve: extra million in retirement.

Layer Three

• Your most overused phrase: Groovy
• Your first waking thoughts: To shag or not to shag ?
• The first feature you notice in the opposite sex: the boobies.
• Your best physical feature: eyes – i got the michevious thing going
• Your bedtime: 10 or 11
• Your greatest fear: having my fears come true
• Your greatest accomplishment: college – from MT to Ivy
• Your most missed memory: how the fuck do you know what the most missed memory is? you are missing it for pete’s sake.

Layer Four

• Pepsi or Coke: Depends – pepsi for drinking, coke for mixing drinks
• Single or group dates: single – hard to work the Magick with a crowd
• Adidas or Nike: Neither – NB for working out, flip flops, cowboy boots, Murrel (the urban models…)
• Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Not usually a tea guy – if I do it is the green Arizona in the big assed can
• Chocolate or vanilla: choco
• Cappuccino or coffee: coffee, and it better be damned strong

Layer Five

• Smoke: used to, LOVE me a good cigar. partial to Ashtons
• Cuss: Fuck no.
• Sing: Badly. very badly.
• Take a shower everyday: required maintanence for this model
• Have a crush(es): not currently, last one was in college
• Do you think you’ve been in love: Doi.
• Want to go to college: Yessir, graduated too!
• Like high school: Kinda – it was too akward to be tons of fun.
• Want to get married: someday, with the right person
• Believe in yourself: Yes, sometimes to a fault.
• Type with your fingers on the right keys: mostly, it is more efficient and I’m a lazy git.
• Think you’re attractive: I don’t scare people, but I’m not going to win any awards either.
• Think you’re a health freak: good god no. I eat somewhat healthy and workout, but not a freak about it. I have no qualms eating Wendy’s twice a day sometimes. I’ve been known to start drinking instead of heading to the gym too.
• Get along with your parents: Mom is the coolest.
• Play an instrument: Usedtacould – sax and piano.

Layer Six

In the past month, did you…

• Drink alcohol: Yes.
• Smoke: No
• Do a drug: nothing elicit
• Make Out: Yes
• Go on a date: yes
• Eat an entire box of Oreos: Sadly no, but not a bad idea for next week.
• Eat sushi: Nope, I don’t do sushi in landlocked states – bad joss.
• Been on stage: Thank god no.
• Been dumped: Thankfully no
• Gone skating: Nope
• Made homemade cookies: Nope, but my kitchen was the site of a nice production
• Been in love: yup
• Gone skinny dipping: Can we say shrinkage ? Not impressive and no.
• Dyed your hair: No, and not going to. Ever.
• Stolen anything: I can’t recall.

Layer Seven

Have you ever…

• Played a game that required removal of clothing: yes
• If so, was it mixed company: lets hope so – strip poker with a bunch of dudes is just wrong.
• Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Honestly..what kinds of stupid question is that ? But of course..this last friday night in fact.
• Been caught “doing something”: Good god yes – famously so. Spotlight with a crowd, cheers & jeers – the whole nine yard.
• Been called a tease: Heck no, I’m way too easy.
• Gotten beaten up: Nope, but given out a few thumpings.
• Shoplifted: Yes
• If so, did you get caught: Yup – mom busted me and made me return & appologize
• Changed who you were to fit in: Not on purpose, but one does adapt to enjoy life

Layer Eight

• Age you hope to be married: No hard limits – 30 is a nice number for now.
• Numbers and Names of Children: Bogart (dog)
• Describe your Dream Wedding: one involving a sailboat and an amazing woman. Supporting cast optional
• How do you want to die: In my sleep – like grandpa, not screaming like the other people in the car.
• What do you want to be when you grow up: Loaded and oversexed
• What countr(ies) would you most like to visit: Spain (again), UK, Canada (again), Brazil, Chile, Australia, Russia, Germany…

Layer Nine

• Number of girls I have kissed: Enough, no really.
• Number of girlfriends you’ve had: 20 something ?
• Number of drugs taken illegally: several…nothing too bad.
• Number of people I could trust with my life: < 10
• Number of CDs that I own: lots, TONs more from the magic iTunes
• Number of piercings: zero
• Number of tattoos: 3
• Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: bunch- from sports to scouts as a kid, science fair, geog bee, conference papers.
• Number of scars on my body: tons, all worn with pride.
• Number of things in my past that I regret: only missed opportunities.

Thanks to the Sis for this treat in email. I laughed so hard that cried, good stuff wade.

• One Star Hangover: No pain. No real feeling of illness. You’re able to function relatively well; however, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

• Two Star Hangover: No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

• Three Star Hangover: Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavoured schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You’ve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke — yet you haven’t peed once.

• Four Star Hangover: Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can’t speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can’t hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

• Five Star Hangover: You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. In fact, you are probably still drunk. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don’t have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare “floater” thrown in. The sole purpose of this “floater” seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now!