This was just going to be an Ode to my French Press as it truly does make coffee better than anything — besides cute little Catalan people in Barcelona, but I got to thinking on the various ways to wake up and figured I’d take it for a few laps around the dance floor. So hang on here we go..

Good ways to wake up:

  • No alarm clock, just wake up to half open curtains feeling like that extra hour of sleep really did help. Even better if this is at 7am or so where you have the whole day ahead of you to do fun things like shag or ride the Harley. Heck, even cleaning the house or mowing the yard isn’t too bad, but moving hay would be a sucky reason.
  • The 3am or 4am wake up call to go elk or deer hunting. I love the smell of morning during the fall/winter (ok, in Montana winter usually starts in November), coupled with getting all geared up with knives, guns, ammo, lunch fixins, coffee and donuts for the road. You are up early with a buddy or two, radio on in the truck and on a mission to kill something. Food must be hunted & gathered! No, no — not the blood lust of just killing things (that is what prarie dogs and gophers are for…) — the simple pleasure of being able to put a year’s supply of exotic meat in the freezer. Venison may not be exotic to those of us who grew up hunting, but outside of the gun-belt, it is a delicacy you pay upwards of $10 a pound for.
  • With someone in bed with you. The is even better when you get to roll over and syphon body heat for that extra hour of sleep, otherwise known as falling asleep with someone again. There are the newly or just plain familiar smells of someone else’s shampoo and body, bits of soft skin (or hairy man skin for the lady readers), and those morning noises of yes I acknowledge being aware of you, but sooo not awake or willing to be awake yet. Want to wake me up?.This will definately start the morning with a smile on your face…
  • Sex, a way to keep that smile going all day. Who needs coffee at that point? Ok, maybe if it turns into a morning non-quicky, that can wear you out a bit and then coffee is an appropriate postcoital drink. That half-hour of sleep can SO be sacrificed for a bit of sheet music. Guys - take note, most women love morning sex and you can score some serious points waking them up with some gental touching, remember foreplay! Women - take note, guys love sex, don’t need to ask - just jump us! It might be a good idea to wait until we respond a bit — just to make sure we are out of the grumpy wakeup and into the hey, sex! wakeup — probably goes for both genders.
  • Music - anything soulful. To some Snoop or Eminem might be ok, but I need me some oldies country (thanks Flakes!), Dave, classical, opera, etc, etc. This just breaks the brain in for a morning of activity.
  • Coffee, paper, fireplace. Hello winter! A Saturday morning in front of the windows watching it snow, fireplace roaring (none of those pussy crackling fires in the morning!) drinking coffee, reading the newspaper, maybe eating some berry & cheese danish. Mmm. This was life in Philadelphia and this winter in Billings - mmm, just beautiful. This can only be better if you are in a mountain cabin or lodge way up in the hills somewhere.
  • After a massage. Generally I don’t fall asleep during a massage, but can near the end of them when the quiet period is starting. You wake up after 5 or 10min of just completely relaxed and refreshed, ready to go home and chill.
  • There are a ton others, but I think I’ve gotten my favorites in here…. I might have to update it with a few more if I come up with them.

Bad ways to wake up:

  • Fire alarm. Fraternity house, hotel, or worse yet your own home! The first two are usually less panicky, as some drunken idiot or wiring fault is to blame, but the last one usually indicates you will be talking to an insurance agent (hopefully!) in the very near future. Worse yet are winter mornings where you’ve yet to locate significant clothing, much less socks or shoes. Suck!
  • Alarm clock for work. Evil, just f*ing evil. You went to bed too late, stayed up reading or watching horribly cheesy movies on hotel cable, or just plain couldn’t sleep. Add in a hangover for more fun. It would be so nice if there was an alarm clock that didn’t cost $2500 that could wake you up based on your sleep cycle so you would at least have a fighting chance at staying awake for the day.
  • Wet spot in the bed. Let’s pray to all that are holy that it is some unfortuneate plumbing or roofing malfunction, a pet with a full bladder or some evil friend with keys and a bucket. No matter what the cause, there is always that moment of panic that oh crap, no! for god’s sake I’m 25 years…oh, stupid cat, you are gonna shittin’ die! Hopefully it is just a minor incident and you don’t have to replace the mattress…nothing like $1000 dollars down the toilet…or well, not in the toilet ;)
    • Rick: “Yeah, yeah, I know! Shut-up!” Funny. waaaay too funny. Poor wifey!
  • While driving. Ugg, I have had this one happen far too often and it is just about enough to give you palpatations. Pull over or change drivers, period. You are as alert as a drunk at this point. It is always 3 or 4am after 20+ hours into a road trip, coffee, cold air, midget beating you with a cane be damned, you are going to fall asleep. For added amusement throw in a heavy blanket of fog or snow. woot!
  • Phone call. Unless this is a wake up call for some pre-planned activity, it had better be short and damned good to get me out of bed in the morning. Worst yet, your brain starts working just enough to keep you from falling back asleep. Ass-masters!
  • People talking in the house waaay to early. Usually some form of relative or housemate with a death wish. Do you realize that I only needed an hour more sleep you inconsiderate fuck? I will kill you, at least until you die from it! I really hate this — not only are you now awake, you are so pissed at the lack of respect that you have no chance of going back to sleep. I’d call it justifiable homicide. Go ahead, put me on that jury!
  • Not being able to sleep. Ugg. I got drunk, washed down some Tylenol PM with a few more drinks, everything! Usually the brain is churning overtime for some pseudo-important reason, leaving you tired and a bit peeved the next day. You’d think that they would have better drugs for helping us sleep, no ?

Ok folks, time for the reader participation game — what ones did I miss ?