Dear self,

You have shit that needs to get done, I’ve been so nice to compile a list for you so that there are no more lame excuses and so everyone else out there can see that you are a big fatty-fatty-bo-batty slacker and just sit around drinking booze and watching porn. Now put down the coffee (yeah, like you need to be awake for cleaning the toilet) and get moving. Oh yeah, sorry forgot about that job thing. I figured since you never get anything done, you were still phoning it in. Silly me. God, if it were not for me, you’d never get anything done! Ok, you did get the truck fixed last night, but I’m gonna chalk that one up to extreme luck.

  • Finish cleaning the house - floors, laundry, mow the yard, bathroom, beer stuff, bird cage.
    • For god’s sake take a day and clean the office. I wouldn’t poo on the floor in there, much less work 8 hours a day.
  • A/C Equipment on the truck. Can we say 106F yesterday? I think I sweated off the second testicle, lucky for you I can regrow one. Not that you ever let people know you have a set. Wuss.
    • Make appt to get this serviced at 17th St Conoco. The A/C idiot, unless you like the bees fondled by auto mechanics.
  • Buy a softball glove. How many are you going to drop before you just spend the $40 USD, lamer?
  • Pay bills. Actually file away the stubs into the filing system. I’ve heard if you do this you can actually find them again if you need to!
  • Water the plants
    • Swap the tomato plants and astilbes. Transplant your lame excuses for herbs & green pepper plants to the “garden”. Heh, yeah garden, riiiight.
  • LOTS of weeding and plant killing to be done in landscaped areas, not to mention some serious gutter cleaning (yeah, the landlord sucks assmahr) and trimming up the Ivy vines.
  • Fix holes in fencing that let Bogart get out and about. Speaking of the dog, I’m gonna call PETA if you kick him one more time - stick to punching around women, cause we all know you are good at that.
  • Figure out vacation days, it looks like your lazy ass does not need a solid 2 weeks off next month.
  • Buy plane tickets to England. Make sure to go on NWA so you get freq flyer miles this time.
  • Get new motorcycle helmet, this time a full face one. No one wants to scrape your brains off the road, but then again that shouldn’t take too long! Make sure to look at the non-HD stores, you Label Whore.
    • Look into helmet-to-helment comms for long rides. I’m not sure who would want to talk to you, but I have to figure that it would be much better if you could annoy them with your drivel rather than listening to Barry Manilow and talking to me.
  • Get chaps repaired, figure out if you can get jacket waterproofed and the sleeve zipper fixed.
  • Dry cleaning & arrangements for next ORNL trip.
    • Need to see if can push off a week until first week of August.
  • Move the ’server’ computer to a spare room that has cooling.
    • Might be good to install an OS from this decade, so you don’t have to keep adding security fixes by hand.
  • Laptop to get serviced !!!!!!!!!
  • Ride the Harley, all over. Doh — need to get the 5K service done too.
  • Find a way to make $5K USD more per month, apparently you cost me a lot of money and need to start carrying your own weight.
  • Do more running per week at the gym. I’ll give credit to you here — you are down 7lbs and starting to see definition in the abs. Now just keep it up. I think you are onto something running faster miles rather than further. Bring a book, so we have something to do, I’m getting bored.
  • Dog to the vet. Too bad we can’t have you neutered too, for humanities sake!

I think that should do the list for now. If you can manged to get this done, I’ll crap my pants. No really :-D

Editors note: God, that guy is such a dick, see if he ever gets to get laid again.